*Moan*

Ok, having my last blow out before I stop drinking and cut back on the smoking. I guess you will say I should go back to the AA and get support, but really some of those people got into my head and that was why I stopped going. I just cannot allow that, it gets to the stage where my head just goes round and round in loops with them, so I try to avoid them at all costs. Blame the Manic Depression.

Ok, Ok, I know that there are good reasons to give up the lifestyle I'm doing just now. The last time I stopped drinking I was happy, I had a healthy diet and lost weight. I was no longer blown up. Now I cannot even to the yoga postitions I used to (use it or lose it I guess). I cannot afford this livestyle and it is life threatening. I may even get back to writing again.....just I'm unhappy to change. I seem to have a default programme in my head that wants to kill me.

I only wanted to live for three and a half years while Michael was alive, since then I would be happy to die, especially when my mother followed.

Ok, Ok will stop whining, sorry. Just had to get it out my system